fbpx
Sign In

From the backseat of the car, my daughter asked me to tell her a story. Since we were on the way to her annual well child exam, I wondered if she was seeking a virtual role play in which the heroine of my story would be on her way to the doctor, too. So, sure enough, Kittenpants (the heroine of most of our stories lately, name chosen by my child) was, indeed, about to get her checkup and had some doctor anxiety. As I continued, my child kept asking for more detail. My hunch had been correct. She very much wanted to know what she was about to get into, but safely first, through a story.

Even for me, as an adult, I have some doctor anxiety. However, I actually like going to the dentist. My theory is that, with a young child, relaxing in the dental chair is about the longest I ever have to "do nothing". I digress; I know doctors and dentists, alike, cause anxiety for a lot of humans, especially the young ones who have fewer years of experience with them. If your kiddo lacks enthusiasm when it's doctor or dentist time, what's a gentle parent to do? We all have to go to these appointments sometimes, right? Some of these ideas might help you and your child:

1. Go to the doctor and dentist—yours, that is.

And take him along to observe. Rather than having someone care for your child while you're at your appointments, let him see you undergo many of the same processes he'll encounter when it's his turn. There's a lot to be said for desensitization to reduce dentist and doctor anxiety; the more you expose him to a situation, the less foreign, and less scary, it might be (particularly when there's no threat to him). Did I take my daughter into surgery with me last summer? Heck no, of course not. But she comes with me to every physical, every sick visit, and every routine maintenance activity I schedule. The more she can get comfortable with the concept of doctors in general, the easier it is when it's her turn. A couple of doctors have even offered to have her "help" with my checkups, to which she gladly agrees (only in kid-safe ways, such as using the stethoscope). Talk about removing the fear factor! To the extent that you can, eliminate your child's fear of the unknown. Before her appointment, let her know what to expect there. Recall what she's seen, and talk her through what she hasn't.

2. Find the right provider for your child.

Look for a doctor or dentist who your kid seems to like and who shows respect for her, even during "non-negotiable" parts of the visit. Even very young kids have strong feelings about who they like and don't. To the extent possible, follow their lead. If your child has an ear infection but won't let Dr. Amazing look in her ears, see if said doctor will perform the exam while your child is in the safety of your arms. This can substantially reduce your child's doctor anxiety. If that's not feasible, stand next to her exam table while you touch her reassuringly. If your doctor's approach is "my way or the highway," it might not be the best fit. I don't know about you, but if a person 4x my size approached me in a way that made me feel uncomfortable and my caretaker let him, I'd have a problem with that. The procedure might need to happen, but the provider's approach and demeanor should be a peaceful and collaborative one. There are plenty of fish in the proverbial sea, and that applies to medical professionals, too. Find the best match for each of your children. This isn't your doctor; it's theirs.

3. Validate your child's feelings.

Recently, a 9-year-old boy I know named Théo went to the dentist and needed a filling. He was scared of the novocaine shot. After working past it and successfully getting his cavity filled, the dentist chided him and asked if it was worth him having been afraid. Théo maturely responded, "I couldn't have been brave without first having been scared. Courage without fear is merely indifference." Wow, I couldn't love his response more if it were baked in a cake! It's absolutely okay to be scared; it's a biologically normal and healthy response to many situations. Fear serves a purpose in keeping us safe. Does that mean you should say to your child, "Yes, you should be nervous! It's so scary at the dentist!" No, absolutely not. What it does mean, however, is that your child needs to know you hear him without judgment, and without your trying to talk him out of his feelings. Try this: "I understand. I hear that you're nervous. I'll be there to support you." Feeling understood can help relieve anxiety*.

4. Let your child develop her own thoughts about the appointment.

Pay attention to the messages that you inadvertently send about your doctor and dental visits. If all your child ever hears you say is how much you hate going, he'll internalize your doctor anxiety and save those feelings for when it's his turn. Moreover, let your child decide how he feels about each part of the visit. The first time my child saw me give blood, she saw me look away (I can't watch), but she got as close to my blood-giving arm as the phlebotomist would let her. She was fascinated. The next time she saw a needle, she stared right at it as her doctor gave her a shot. She didn't cry. (Whaaaat? Whose child is this?) I was shocked, but relieved that I hadn't projected my own needle-anxiety upon her. After the fact, she told me that it had hurt a bit, but my worries about how she'd handle it far exceeded the stress of the actual event.

5. Play doctor. Dr. Hilarious, that is.

If laughter is the best medicine and your child is still young enough, role play it out in the silliest ways you know how, while staying "true-ish" to real doctor-like scenarios. Her truck needs its blood pressure checked; her toy tomato has a fever. When my daughter was three, she kept coming to me to cure her "chronic case of the 3s," during which she responded to every question and every part of my "medical" exam by yelling "THREE!" She thought it was hilarious, even when she was getting pretend shots that somehow made her "condition" worse.

6. Educate neutrally.

"Just the facts, ma'am." For the record, I'd rather get a shot in the nose than be called "ma'am," but the expression, like it or not, is a memorable reminder that it is what it is: a doctor visit. In the case of things like shots or other "painful" events, explain what will happen, but in neutral, textbook-like terms. You're the provider of information; your child gets to process and judge the information in whatever ways work best for him. Before shots, I remind my child that "Sometimes they hurt temporarily, but then they feel better very soon. Sometimes, they don't hurt at all. Either way, I'll be with you for the entire visit." Neutral. Confident. Peaceful. For little or big kids, but especially if your child is older, read age-appropriate books about doctors or types of medical things that interest them. Pick up a book (or watch a non-scary video) about some aspect of medicine that might interest her. Learn about it, and perhaps come up with a question of interest to save for the "real" doctor or dentist. Empower your child with age-appropriate information. Tell her you're going to the appointment with enough time to prepare for it mentally. No surprises.

7. Talk about life after the appointment.

From an anxiety perspective, we can all get caught up in the fear of the upcoming visit. Remind your child, by having a specific after-the-visit plan, that life goes on, on the other side of the appointment. Have an “after” idea that’s not conditional or a bribe. Instead of, "If you do well at the doctor, we can go to the park," try, "I have an idea--after the doctor visit today, let's plan to go to the park. It's fun to have something to look forward to later in the day." Having something good to anticipate can help ground your child (and you, too). Most of all, let your child take refuge in the emotional safety that you can provide, before the appointment, during it, and after she survives it. Assure her that you're right there with her, and will continue to be, just as you always are. * Source: The Center for Stress and Anxiety Management, http://csamsandiego.com/blog/2016/5/26/how-to-listen-when-someone-you-love-is-struggling

Like what you read? Follow Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting and Dandelion Seeds Positive Wellness on Facebook. We’re also on Instagram at DandelionSeedsPositiveLiving.

To see all the child- parenting-, travel-, and cooking-related items that have stood the test of time in my house, including my favorite books, click here. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. However, pricing (including sale prices) and shipping are still from Amazon, so once you click the checkout button from your Dandelion Seeds cart, it’ll feel to you just like an Amazon purchase. Why shop through us? We give 10% of our affiliate profit to charity. Shop better.

Ice cream for breakfast; impromptu gifts; cookies for lunch; no responsibilities ever; cake for dinner...oops...hold on...that's my wish list, and I'm supposed to be writing about kids.

A lot of people think positive parenting means giving children everything they ask for (i.e., permissive parenting). If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that, I'd be able to buy a crazy-ton of ice cream. That said, and as my child will readily tell you, there are plenty of limits in our house. And sadly, we don't have ice cream for breakfast every day.

Many years ago, I took an executive negotiation class that completely changed my perspective on "no." It's been one of the best parenting tools I've learned.

positive parenting how to say no dandelion seeds positive parenting
Great for pinning!

As odd as it sounds, the most successful "no" often sounds surprisingly positive. Encouraging, even.

Who’d have thought executive negotiation tactics would double as positive parenting tools? Before anyone worries that I'm suggesting children should negotiate everything with their parents, I'm not. I strongly believe, however, that the words we use with our children become their inner dialogue as they grow. As a result, I  suggest is open respectful dialogue with our kids regardless of their ages.

Our messages and tone stick with them. I see evidence of that in my own child in the ways she matures and processes various situations. The world will give her plenty of no's (heck, it already does), so I choose to teach her optimism and hope as tools for resiliency. And more than that, there's plenty of Internet-searchable evidence that authoritarian ("my way or the highway") parenting causes substantially more harm than good.

Now that that's out of the way, I'm paraphrasing the executive negotiation class I took and translating it to real-life scenarios for raising kids.

Here are the key takeaways:

1. Skip the battle.

If you know you're going to a store that has things your child will ask for but you're not planning to buy them today, offer a preemptive alternative. Different from a "negative no," which might sound like this, "We're going to the store now, but you're not getting anything," spin it a different way. Try this: "We're going to the store now. If you see something you like while we're there, remind me to take a picture of it. We'll put it on your list." Helpful hint: Building your child's trust that something is actually going on his list might not happen overnight. When you do buy something for him at a later date, it helps to verbally add something like, "I remembered that time we went shopping and you put it on your list. That's how I knew you'd like it." Reinforce that you've paid attention.

2. Offer some control.

People (big and little) often feel the most defensive when they feel they have no control over a situation. With my child, when it's time to get out of the pool (or off the swings, or whatever), I know better than to spring the news on her and expect immediate compliance. Fair warning helps everyone involved. That said, for a child who can't tell time, "We're leaving in five minutes" would be meaningless, but in some situations, it can be helpful for older kids. If your child wants to keep doing what he's doing but your answer is no, reduce your child's resistance by trying this: "It's almost time to go. You pick a number (or give a range you can manage, especially if your child knows lots of numbers). I'll count to that number while you finish what you're doing, and then we'll go. What number would you like?" For what seemed like forever, the highest number my child knew was 31. Counting to her "biggest number" helped her feel like we were staying for the maximum amount of time in her universe of numbers, and the glimmer in her eyes as I counted proved how she loved having that influence on our day.

3. Agree for a future date.

Sometimes, there really isn't a way to accommodate your child's request when she wants something. That's fine. Give her peace of mind by telling her when her request (or a version thereof) will happen, instead. Example: she wants chocolate chips on her French toast. Try this: "Chocolate chips really are delicious! Although I'm not putting them on your breakfast this morning, how about if we plan to make that pumpkin chocolate chip bread you like this weekend?" Again, the part you own is making good on the alternative you've suggested. Build trust that you'll follow through. If she wants to go somewhere you can't go right now, intentionally let her watch you put in on the calendar for a day you can go. There's a world of difference for a child between hearing you say, "Sure, another time," which he likely translates as "Maybe never," and "Yes, let's put it on the calendar together. Come look with me for our first available day." Moreover, apply this to little things while you're building trust in this area. Nothing is too small when it's important to your child.

4. Reframe the "no."

Sometimes, when I'm tired or impatient, I hear myself bark, "No, stop that!" What I fail to teach in those moments, though, is why it's important for my child to change course. Unless it's an urgent safety issue, find a positive way to redirect your child. Little and big kids need this. A better option for a little kid might be, for example, "That's the floor. Let's find some paper for you to color on, instead." For a bigger kid, try, "Hmmm, it's getting close to dinner time, so let's stay inside now and make a plan to go back out tomorrow." I hear myself say, "Let's make a plan..." a lot when the timing or approach my child is using isn't workable for me. Choose your words wisely.

Note that in all of these examples, there's no unreasonable negotiating, no cajoling, and no bribing: we’re shopping, but not buying what you want today; you need to stop doing what you're doing; we're not having chocolate chips today.

BUT, if you work to find a “yes” that you can offer, you might find that: "Yes, we can do that tomorrow."and"We're all done with it for today, but let's make a plan to do it again in the morning!"and"Let's wave at the playground as we walk past it today and tell it we'll see it on Thursday!"and"Yes, the next time we're at the store, you can pick some out."

5. Find something on which you can agree.

When all else fails, in executive negotiation terms, find your BANTA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement). BANTA means that even if you can't reach agreement with your child, you can still find something to agree on, even if it's agreeing that it's hard to not get what he wants. Sometimes, no just needs to be no.

Offer empathy while your child emotionally processes the limit. It's normal for her to get upset sometimes, and you don't need to "fix" it; just help her understand that you're on her side (even when you disagree). Feel her perspective; internalize it. Sit quietly with her while she expresses her disappointment, just listening and understanding, without justifying or defending your position. Be loving in your "no." Stay with her. Hear her. As always, examine whether you can say "yes," and say it as often as possible. Sometimes, I catch myself saying no because, gulp, I have the Parental Power to Say No, and I don't even know why I've said it. When I think about it objectively, though, I realize how much more often I can say "yes." And do you know what I've learned? Many things, actually—and among them, that chocolate chips are sometimes an excellent alternative to syrup on French toast.

*

You might also like: The Positive Parenting Version of Counting to Three

 

 

When I had my daughter, everyone told me how quickly the time would pass—that I should “cherish every moment,” whatever that meant. Indeed, she’s now on the brink of turning 5. Although some moments have felt like they’d last forever—usually the less-than-pleasant ones—I can only assume that some sort of time warp has propelled us forward unnaturally quickly through the years of her life.What I didn’t expect, however, is that in my mind, I’m still sitting on the rooftop patio of that place downtown that has the amazing view. I’m not paying much attention to the view, though, because I’m listening to my friend across the table tell a hilarious story about a date he went on last night. It’s warm outside, I’m in a sundress, and it’s years before I’d have the amazing child who I love more than life itself. What’s true, though, is that while life is whizzing by in the whirlwind that is parenting, a part of me is still sitting on that rooftop with him; and in a myriad of other places with other friends I hold dear. Friends I love. Friends I will always love. I’ve simply paused those moments, ready to return to them whenever the universe boomerangs me back there in my mind or otherwise. Although she’s years away from rooftop patios, I wish my daughter friendships like these. I never thought much about my kid’s friendships as they relate to how I parent her today, yet I can see how the importance of authentic connection and respect are already influencing her social choices. Just like I want them to be for her someday, my friendships are much of what ground me; what connect me; what help me rediscover myself when I need to—no matter how infrequently I see these non-familial objects of my affection. Just like I cherish every moment with my sweet girl, I also cherish those experiences to which I can return in a mental snapshot. Time really can stand still in the very best ways.

I’d like to think my mental pace most Decembers has been the serene speed of “O Holy Night,” calm and angelic, rendering me capable of mid-afternoon waltzes around the Christmas tree with my young daughter in my arms. More often than not, though, my brain has buzzed around in a chaotic “Feliz Navidad”-in-warp-speed mode. Less angelic by far, it put me more at risk of tripping over an extension cord and knocking out the lights while toppling the tree, thereby unintentionally teaching my kid a naughty word or two. Thefrenzied mode was neither enjoyable nor festive for either of us; so let me share a few tips that have made our holidays brighter. And brighter, they are!

  1. Let the ornaments be. If you have a little one who “helps” decorate the tree and/or house, appreciate the, ahem, artistic genius of those who haven’t learned yet where things “should” be. All your ornaments are on the bottom branches, and only on the side that faces the wall? Excellent. They’ll be less likely to break when someone or something, be it elf, pet, or little hand, accidently-on-purpose touches one. Has your little person chosen to line the tree skirt with empty toilet paper tubes? All the better. Rather than removing them, keep them there. Perhaps the inevitable accidentally-on-purpose maneuver will involve one of those tubes instead of an ornament. All good, see? You’ll save loads of time by not re-doing the tree, and you’ll help build her confidence by leaving it to her innocent expertise.
  2. Let the holiday cards be. I don’t know about you, but over the years, I’ve sometimes felt obligated to order the “big batch” of cards so that I can keep in touch with people from my past.  The thing is, I didn’t entirely like some of those people back when I actually knew them (forgive me, that’s not Christmas-y), and others I was writing out of habit (hey, they were on my list!), so it’s really freeing to take a red pen to the old list. So, go ahead—shorten it. As in, a LOT. Not only will using the red pen to strike some names satisfy your inner teacher, it’s also a festive color this time of year. It’s so very freeing, time-wise and emotionally! With or without any card at all, true friends and family already know that you love them.
  3. Let the days be. Somewhere along the line, I convinced myself that pre-Christmas was supposed to be busier than the rest of the year. As it turns out, that’s not a moral obligation. Online shopping keeps me largely out of the malls and keeps me connected to my kid during her waking hours. Even if there are more cookies to bake (because hey, who doesn’t like an excuse to bake cookies?), what my kid wants most is some normalcy and a mentally present parent. Today, I had planned to rush some gifts to the post office so that they’d be there in plenty of time for a type-A recipient to feel loved, instead of wondering two weeks before Christmas why he hadn’t yet received my box. As it turned out, my child wanted to make a train of dining room chairs and cushions through our kitchen. She wanted nothing to do with the post office. It wasn’t easy to forgo my plan (I’m type A, too), but you know what? The train was more important.  She got to be the gymnast-conductor that she told me she wanted to be, and I got to sit in her train, and just be. Just be. So much of this year is just about being still and enjoying the ride, with or sans pretend train.

At the end of the proverbial day, our ornaments have been rearranged several times, but only by little hands. Some of the people we love will get cards from our family; even fewer will get handwritten notes on them. And my gymnast-conductor-decorator child feels happy and connected, and more like she’s the brightest light of all in our house, and less like the caboose she’d be if I were dragging her around to all the “stuff.” And you know what? We actually did waltz around the Christmas tree today, and it may have been the best thing I’ve ever done. May your December be merry and bright!

Back on the farm when Ma was delivering babies while milking the cow and shucking the corn (we've always been multi-taskers), she certainly wasn't reading up on what the type of birth the (then-nonexistent) Internet was telling her she should have. Instead, she relied on what worked for others for thousands upon thousands of years before her: trusting the innate wisdom of her body and following its lead. Although I don't know if you have a cow handy, much less whether you milk it, I do know there was a lot of wisdom to Ma's natural approach. When the time comes, you can trust your body, too. 

how to induce labor naturally
Pin for later!

What happens, though, when your body just isn't ready to have your baby, and (shuck that corn!), it's time, already? When labor just isn't coming despite the calendar saying it's time, your body is giving all the signs that baby is ready, and your doctor is getting "uncomfortable" waiting any longer (oh, the irony), there are natural ways to induce labor if you'd prefer to avoid being medically induced. 

Here are a few of the popular, time-tested and natural ways that "Ma's" around the world have tried to induce labor. I tried these methods, too, when I was closing in on eight (8!) days past my due date. These might help your body andyour baby agree that YES, it's time to deliver!  

 After those didn't work for me (but have for many mommies!), I tried more desperate measures: 

 STILL a no-go for me. What the what? Although those things may have helped to some degree because I did manage to have contractions for two fun-filled weeks, here's what ultimately did work: 

 Finally, my healthy and happy baby came, and so commenced my journey into gentle parenting.  Needless to say, always consult your healthcare provider for medical guidance (I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on T.V.). When the time is right, however, know that your baby will, indeed, come out. Let your baby “cook” as long as you safely can, and then your body will know just what to do. It was made for this!

A couple of weeks ago, my four-year-old child was looking admiringly at the cover of a Cinderella coloring book. She's had it for half her life. Until now, she'd always been more interested in the scenes overall than in the individual princesses. And she's certainly never addressed anything about her body image. This time, however, she matter-of-factly announced, "Mommy, this girl is the most beautiful girl in the world. I'm not that beautiful."

I paused, with a sinking feeling in my gut, to absorb the news that the inevitable had happened. My child was comparing her looks to others'--even if the "other" was Cinderella--and finding hers inferior. Her tone was one of factual observation more than one of self-deprecation. However, I knew it was the precursor to what women everywhere are up against: the pressure to look whatever way society thinks is beautiful. People judge us on our appearances alone; people who don’t even know us, much less love us.

As soon as we're old enough to realize it, we see these things that affect our body image and self-worth. And we judge ourselves accordingly.

This mama's wish--and the wish of nearly every other mama I know--is that our children would live in a world that rises above that mentality. With my heart in my stomach, I took a breath before responding. Doing my best to summon everything I've studied about respectful parenting as it relates to body image, I neutrally responded, "Baby girl, that's interesting. Tell me more."

She proceeded to tell me everything she found lovely about Cinderella. When she finished, I acknowledged her closing statement with "Yes, I like the color of her dress, too." I continued, "Do you know what I really like, that you can’t see in any picture? In fact, I think it's what makes someone truly beautiful, more than anything else could."

"What is that, Mommy?"

"Kindness. Some people say it's nice to look a certain way on the outside, but kindness is the greatest kind of beauty. It has nothing to do with what someone looks like. Unlike appearance, which changes over time, kindness can last someone's entire life."

"Oh."

I could tell she was processing thoughtfully. We lingered on the topic for only a few moments more. I was careful to avoid giving the topic of external body image too much attention, lest it become a priority in her mind. As a mom, positive body image is one of the issues that I really need to own and model, and that I really want to get right for my child. It's a tough one for many of us.

After that, weeks passed without another mention of beauty. Yesterday, however, she approached me, holding the brooch of one of her dress-up gowns. On the brooch was a picture of Cinderella. I wondered what was coming.

"Mommy, do you know what? Cinderella looks a lot like me! I wonder if she's kind, like I am."

My heart swelled with joy. Indeed, physical beauty and body image will be on my daughter's radar if she's anything like most of the women in generations before her. And she may or may not grow up looking anything like a princess, but that's not important to me.

Hard as it had been not to tell her how beautiful I think she is, I knew the importance of acknowledging what she said without negating it.

Letting her speak freely teaches her that her voice and her opinion matter, even when I disagree with her.

As a woman and particularly as a mother, this has been a tough lesson to learn. I have, however, learned that when I actively listen, be it about princesses or anything that's important to her, it helps foster our connection and build her confidence that she can trust me with her innermost thoughts.

So, I listened to her and added to her understanding, helping her unwrap her feelings. I wanted the opportunity to make a positive impression on her value system. The most effective way to do that is by listening to her with an open mind and guiding her appropriately. Loving and intentional guidance works so much better than telling her she's wrong.

We really can influence children’s thought processes and body image respectfully while still supporting their inner princesses—or superheroes—whoever they may be. We can help them absorb what really matters. And that, my friends, is beautiful.

_____________________________________________________________

Continue the Positive Parenting Journey!

Follow Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting and Dandelion Seeds Positive Wellness on Facebook. We’re also on Instagram at DandelionSeedsPositiveLiving.

Shop With Us!

We appreciate your support! Click here to see all the children's books, parenting books, toys and games, travel necessities, holiday fun, and wellness-related items that we've used and loved. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. However, pricing (including sale prices) and shipping are still from Amazon. Once you click the checkout button from your Dandelion Seeds cart, it’ll direct you to Amazon to complete your purchase.

Let's be friends

Copyright © 2024 | All Rights Reserved
cross