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The quiet child: how can we help them thrive in an extroverted world?

When my daughter was two, I had to schedule at least two hours when we'd go to the grocery store because, being the new talker that she was then, she insisted that we stop and talk to every single person we passed in every single aisle. I'd go in for one tomato and leave with 25 new friends.

She didn't stay that way, though. Over time, some kids, like mine, change to become a more of a quiet child than they were before, while others become more of the extrovert they always were.

Many adults assume, however, that all kids crave BIG attention—the brighter, bolder, and louder, the better. However, some children need space to build trust before they'll delve into conversation or even basic play. And for some of us, giving a quiet child space is a hard concept to grasp—particularly those of us who really want to

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connect and who might not be "wired to wait" the same way the child is.

In fact, half the people in the world are introverts. That can leave the other half wondering what to do to

connect with them. So, what can you do when the quiet child you're trying to engage shies away from your attempts? Hint: don't try harder.

You could be Disneyland incarnate and not be appealing to a quiet child who isn't ready to engage.

I'll admit that for several reasons, I felt odd giving friends who hadn't met my quiet child, who's now solidly introverted, this advice. However, it's proven to be the most helpful tip I've found so far. Bear with me:

Pretend the quiet child is a cat. I mean that in the most respectful of ways. Bear with me.

If you'll forgive the analogy and the generalization, the way to engage puppies—unlike cats—is typically to run, throw balls, pick them up, and roughhouse.

Conversely, a cat typically responds better if you simply find a peaceful place to sit where she can check you out from afar, perhaps come and sniff an outstretched hand, and decide whether to snuggle up or play with a toy you're dangling. If you move too quickly, though, she's likely out of there. She doesn't want you to pursue her.

A quiet child may want to observe her trusted adult's interactions with you before engaging with you directly. If Mom or Dad seems relaxed and happy with you and is following the steps in Supporting the Introverted Child, she can follow her adult's cues and let her guard down when she's ready.

That said, even if you're truly hilarious and other kids burst out in giggles when you surprise them with a "Boo!" they weren't expecting, quiet children often need an entirely different approach.

 

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Here's what to try, instead:

1. Be patient with the quiet child.

In every single case where my friends trusted the "cat suggestion" I gave them privately before meeting my quiet child, it worked. By the time we parted ways, my girl had signaled her comfort by reaching out and holding my friends' hands as we walked together. By the look on my friends' faces, suffice it to say she'd melted their hearts with her subtle connection.

discipline without damage
Wonderful positive discipline book.

2. Enjoy the silence.

Channel Depeche Mode (am I dating myself?) and enjoy the silence. Keep the loud games, TV, music, and

general distractions off. Some (but not all) introverted children are easily overwhelmed in new situations and have trouble connecting to new people when there's too much chaos to "compete" with their trust-building mechanisms.

If you can find a quiet activity the child enjoys, all the better. Read a children's book alone if you need to. The child can choose whether to engage with you, but it's a good way to establish common ground. Let the child come to you.

3. Respect the child's choice.

Respect the pace, the space, and the child as a whole. Aunt Pat might've expected a hug from you when you were little, even when you hadn't seen her for 1000 years. If you really want a relationship with this child, though, it's less important to recall what was "polite" or expected when you were little, and more important to connect to the child in a way he feels emotionally safe. Consent matters.

This can be tough since it may require you to reevaluate your thinking, but it's important. Let go of who you think he "ought" to be. And by all means, if this child's sensitivity or introversion is cute or otherw

no drama discipline
Another positive parenting book I recommend. So actionable; so realistic.

ise funny, don't laugh at him.

Say no more about a quiet child's shyness or quietness to him than you would about a loud child being loud (in other words, say nothing). Although there shouldn't be, there's sometimes a certain stigma to being "shy," and most introverts don't like people labeling them that way. Remember that buildin

g trust is the name of the game. Genuine kindness goes such a long way for all of us.

Most of all, don't give up. It's not personal. Just like we do as adults, kids want authentic connections—particularly kids who aren't naturally the life of the party.

Once you do connect, it can be the most wonderful and genuine reward.

The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) may be relatively new as a namesake, but it's certainly not new as many people's reality. Some of us are just wired differently than others, be it from nature or nurture (although in this case, science argues for both).

With our sensitive wiring in mind, those of us who become parents need to learn parenting strategies that are not only effective, but also keep us from feeling overwhelmed by our children--the very people whose care has been entrusted to us.

Personally, I know the HSP life well. I'm the daughter of a highly sensitive person. I, myself, am an HSP. And now, I have little one of my own. I write this based on years of research as well as from my own experience. In other words, I "get it."

My hope is that my research will help the HSP parent find greater peace in their parenting strategies.

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An HSP Parent Feels Things Differently

In short, MRIs show that the HSP has a nervous system that works differently than that of the other 75 to 80 percent of the population. However, HSP traits don't necessarily manifest the same across the remaining 15 to 20 percent of the population that we comprise.

What science does demonstrate across the board for the HSP, however, is that our MRIs show distinctly different areas of brain activity versus non-HSPs in response to the same stimuli. Specifically, the MRIs show "stronger activation of brain regions involved in awareness, empathy, and self-other processing" (source).

As a result, HSPs can experience the same events entirely differently from non-HSPs. And empathic HSPs take their innate sensitivity a notch farther.

That said, there are a couple of concepts worth noting before addressing parenting strategies: "Highly sensitive people are typically introverts, while empaths can be introverts or extroverts (although most are introverts). Empaths share a highly sensitive person's love of nature and quiet environments, their desire to help others, and their rich inner life." (source)

We can use what we know to our advantage.

Parenting Strategies for the HSP Parent

While mainstream parenting is, well, mainstream, we simply aren't. Therefore, we can't expect that standard parenting strategies would work well for us. If we try to fit into a certain "box" that doesn't reflect our sensitive nature, parenting might feel harder than it has to be.

Some of these ideas can lighten your load.

1. Be gentle with your children -- and with yourself.

Many of us have what feels like a whole lot of extra neurons dedicated to empathy. And HSPs, following a standard rote of discipline that leaves us feeling disconnected from our children simply isn't a good fit.

Parent gently. This includes "parenting" yourself, too. Be kind to yourself and keep your inner (and outer) voice in check.

reading people
This book has a wonderful and comprehensive chapter about the HSP personality type. (Afflinks. As an Amazon associate, we earn from qualifying purchases. Your purchases help us support important charities.)

If HSP parents treat our children harshly, many of us will internalize the punishment and feel it ourselves on some level. If our parents were harsh with us or ignored our big feelings and we have emotional memories of that, we'll feel those feelings all over again as we administer them in our own homes. That doesn't feel good.

Of course, children do need loving limits. With practice, we can hold those loving limits compassionately with our children while also healing your own inner child.

If you're new to gentle parenting or want to learn about it in ways that support the information in the books, many positive parenting groups exist to support you. Support from likeminded parents can help you navigate to a gentler way of being.

Release the pressure to discipline the way our parents did, or our peers did, or the way some outdated parenting book said we should.

Trust your sensitivity to be your ally and your guide.

2. Bank the time that you can't "take care of yourself first"--and find creative ways to weave self-care into your routines.

We all know we can't pour from an empty cup. We'd like to be able to take care of ourselves first. However, some HSPs find it challenging to find parenting strategies that balance self-care and our tendency to put others first.

For me, taking care of myself first just wasn't always my reality. When my child was very little, I couldn't just let her cry and "figure it out," no matter how exhausted I was. Despite the well-meaning (albeit unsolicited) advice from others, I let my heart lead my parenting.

I'd felt better if I'd parented lovingly and while being emotionally present for my child day and night.

Does that mean that I just abandoned my needs, though? Absolutely not. Something that worked really well for my family included reducing screen time and replacing it with story time. We also instituted screen-free days with unexpectedly positive results. That wouldn't work for everyone, of course, but I knew I needed my quiet time to recharge.

So, I created the best of both worlds: quiet and clutter-free areas around the house where I could go to read with (or near) her while still staying emotionally present.

I also made mornings our standard time to get out of the house. That way, I knew I could come home and everything would be quieter from that point forward in our day. Afternoons became a predictably sacred space for us.

"Home days" earned just as much priority as other appointments. I consciously worked to find the patience for positive parenting, knowing that practice would make our inner lives more peaceful. If I couldn't "go" to self-care, I brought peace to meet me where I was.

3. Ground yourself in who you were before kids.

Many HSPs grew up keenly aware of their sensitivities to sounds, bright lights, and overly gregarious people. Whatever external stimuli triggered you before having kids, they're likely still there, along with the responsibility to raise children despite them. And in many cases, kids are all the noise, lights, and excitement wrapped up into little human-sized packages of energy. That's standard child behavior.

That said, this is in no way a knock on children. They're perfectly good at being exactly who they were designed to be, lights and all. Life moves on, as they say, but becoming a parent doesn't mean you're not yourself anymore. Suddenly, you're responsible for raising a human who might challenge all of your HSP-ness.

Remember how you grounded yourself before you had children. What's something you haven't done in so long that you've nearly forgotten about it, but that helped you find peace?

Consider journaling as a way to reconnect with yourself. It's proven to be a solid and reliable way to express

HSP journal
Journaling can be helpful.

our own big feelings and working through them peacefully (source).

4. Connect outside the home--and inside it, too.

If you have an understanding partner, share your heart with them. A friend or a counselor can be a wonderful resource for an HSP, as well.

If you don't have a good circle of friends, create your community -- start somewhere. If you lack childcare or the desire to leave the house, connecting virtually can still lift you up. A video or phone chat with a faraway friend does wonders for refueling the emotional tank.

Within certain parameters, even social media can offer some benefits specifically for introverts, including the HSP. Connecting with other adults is easy to overlook because many don't consider it a "parenting strategy." However, connection is critical to our emotional wellbeing.

Connection, in turn, contributes to the emotional fuel we have on reserve for the challenging parenting days---and for all of the regular days, too. If social media starts to creep in too intrusively and negatively affect your relationships, however, know that there are many things you can do to keep your screen time in check.

Finally, not all connection needs to be with people. Connect spiritually. Connect with nature, too -- science shows how beneficial it can be for grounding ourselves (source).

The HSP Parent Can Be a Highly Attuned and Compassionate Caregiver

Rather than trying to fit into a mainstream mould that wasn't built for us in the first place, we get to create our own parenting strategies that honor who we are. We can create an approach that leaves us feeling encouraged and connected, even despite all the ways that parenting stretches us and pushes our boundaries.

With the natural bigheartedness of HSPs, our children will fare better when we embrace that which comes naturally to us. There's always room for more compassion in the world.

Further Resources for HSP Parents

There are a few really detailed and exceptionally good books to study, such as The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron, PhD, and Reading People by Anne Bogel (the latter is only a chapter, but it's entirely relevant). I HSP bookrecommend them to HSPs who want to understand themselves better. They're also beneficial to non-HSPs who want to understand us better.

You can watch a movie about highly sensitive people. You can even take a online quizzes to gauge whether you're a likely an HSP. If you've read this far, though, you probably already know the answer.

I didn't need a quiz or an HSP "label" to understand my own wiring, but it didn't hurt to know what to call it so that I could research beneficial parenting strategies more effectively.

With or without a quiz, if you understand yourself to be an HSP and want parenting strategies that support you, check back here for more resources soon -- including an online session dedicated to parenting a highly sensitive child.

It was my child’s four-month checkup. She was thriving; ahead on all her milestones. Smiling, rolling, babbling, and snuggling were her favorite pastimes. We were happily growing and learning together; her as a little human, and me as a new mama.

My husband and I had chosen her first pediatrician wisely enough. He was the senior owner of his medical practice and had many years of experience. His wall was covered in accolades and advanced degrees; his resume far above the norm. A friend of ours used him for all three of her kids and loved him. And, as fate would have it, he happened to be the doctor who’d been assigned to check on all the newborns at the hospital the day our daughter was born, so we felt it was a “sign” that he was right for us.

In his office for that four-month checkup, however, I wasn’t so sure. He’d seemed a bit grumpy during our prior visits, but with his qualifications being what they were, I’d given him the benefit of the doubt. We’re all entitled to bad days. It surely wasn’t personal.

We waited for him in the patient room to which we’d been assigned.

He thundered in shortly thereafter and began with “What questions do you have?”

Well, okay. I offered a “Hi.” I asked him something about child development and he retorted with a quick, “If you’d read the handout the nurse gave you before I came in [he picked it up and shook it for emphasis], you wouldn’t be asking things like this.” A bit taken aback, I responded, “Actually, what the nurse handed me is paperwork about two-month milestones, and this is my child’s four-month visit. Do you have the paper for her age, please? I’d be happy to read it to see if it answers my question before we continue.”

He grabbed the two-month paper and tossed it in the trash, not handing me the alternative; not answering my question.

Instead, he continued, “How’s sleep?”

Responding honestly, I offered, “She had a seven-hour stretch last week for the first time. So, I got a little overconfident. We’re up every couple of hours again, but I’m okay with it. She’s getting her first tooth a little early and working on lots of new skills. This too shall pass. We’re happy.”

To that, he replied, “You’re ridiculous. Don’t go to her when she cries. Let me know when you’re ready to get serious about parenting.”

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Gah!

Frozen with the unexpected insult, I somehow managed to let him proceed with the rest of her well check. Indeed, she was growing and thriving. She was, holistically, getting plenty of sleep. And I was okay with being there for her when she needed me, day or night. I considered it a privilege. We’d lost her older sister halfway through that pregnancy; did he not know how much my heart longed to be there for this child? That going to her when she called was exactly what I wanted to do—that holding and comforting her was the greatest earthly gift I’d ever known? I was perfectly happy to take sleep day-by-day.

To be clear, I spent the next few days feeling livid and replaying the conversation in my mind. I questioned and centered myself, going back and forth, in a crazy-making loop. How dare he imply that I wasn’t serious about parenting? I was fully committed, fully present, and fully engaged in the well-being of my child. She didn’t “make” me respond to her; I chose to respond because it was my instinct to do so.

We never saw him again.

As tempting as it was to stay angry with him, anger never serves anyone well if it morphs into rumination. As a raw emotion, however, it can serve a healthy purpose.

In this case, it did. I let the anger burn as a fuel; not to consume me, but rather, to give life to passion for supporting other parents. Passion for education about normal sleep and child development. Passion for encouraging new mothers to trust themselves; to allow themselves to be physically and emotionally present for their children.

Promptly, I went to the bookstore and bought The No-Cry Sleep Solution by worldwide bestselling author

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Elizabeth Pantley. Her tips worked. (afflink)

From there, I flooded myself with all the resources I could find about respectful and positive parenting and consumed them voraciously. I wanted to have all the science, knowledge, and expertise I could possibly find to validate that it is, indeed, a good idea to be kind to children (go figure).

The pediatrician gave me a gift that day. He planted a seed—a desire to “get serious about parenting” in a whole new way—that I’d likely not have otherwise felt with such vigor.

To the extent that I can as just one mama, I want to empower other parents to walk out of a situation---be it a doctor’s office or anywhere else they don’t feel supported---and say, “No. This isn’t right. I want better for my child. Where can I find that?”

I want this to be one of those places for you. Indeed, I’ve gotten serious about parenting—not in the way that doctor implied I should—but in a way that I hope will be much more impactful for a growing community of mindful and positive parents.


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Halloween may be over, but chocolate lives on forever. That is, unless it's in my house, in which case it has a very short lifespan.

Let's face it, though. Candy is fun. Much of the Halloween hype centers around it, although in reality, most of the fun is about the novelty of the holiday. Kids often get to stay up late. Their "sometimes foods" show up by the bucket full. Houses are decorated. Energy is high everywhere they go.

But then there's the aftermath.

Once the costumes come off and things are back to "normal," what in the world are we to do with (all that) leftover Halloween candy?

Here are a few ideas that you might not have thought of.

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Let your kids eat the leftover Halloween candy. No worries; it's just one day.

If your child doesn't have regular access to sweet treats, opening the candy floodgates and saying "Have at it!" might intimidate you. However, one absolutely solid option is to trust your child with the candy. Even the littlest of kids know when their tummies need to be in the "off" position.

leftover Halloween candy
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Yes, some will gorge on it, particularly if sweets are a forbidden fruit, so to speak (if only they were fruit!). But there's a really smart approach to handling food that works beautifully for many families. The Ellyn Satter Division of Responsibility talks about how the parent provides the "what, where, and when" of food to which the child has access. The child, in turn, decides whether to eat it and if so, how much. Particularly when practiced consistently, it's a great way for kids to learn to trust their bodies.

Ask your kids if they'd be willing to donate it. Some will!

Many charities accept leftover Halloween candy. Here are six that The Today Show suggested just this week and that are current as of the writing of this article.

For some reason that was unbeknownst to me, my child used to think donating leftover Halloween candy was THE thing to do. She insisted that we take it to church and give it away there. So, that's what we did for a few years. No one ever complained, especially those whose kids had long outgrown trick or treating.

Turn it into a science experiment.

This one can be a lot of fun! We didn't do this intentionally, but it's a creative idea that my child brainstormed when we were unsure what to do with candy that was problematic for her food allergies. Sneak preview: imagine which candies dissolve and which seem to keep their original forms until the end of eternity. Trust me when I say that there are certain candies (even some of my favorites, sadly) that I will never eat again after seeing what happened to them.

leftover halloween candy
When leftover Halloween candy turns into a science experiment.

Trade leftover Halloween candy for a special event with a parent.

Some families like the Switch Witch, otherwise known as the Candy Fairy or the Great Pumpkin. Here, the child trades candy for a special toy. That's certainly a viable option!

An alternative to that is to offer your child some special time together. Many kids sincerely crave some dedicated Mommy or Daddy time more than they need more "stuff" (especially with the potential for amazing Christmas toys practically around the corner).

Parents like this option of time together because, well, it's quality time together (who can replace that?), it's sustainable and supports green living, and it gives everyone something fun to anticipate together. A single happy memory to look back on together is worth its weight in gold.

Plan something fun like a special trip to a museum, a camp-out in the living room, a walk to your child's favorite outdoor space, or a night of staying up late together watching movies on the couch. Follow through. Make it a tradition. Of course, we should be doing things like this with our kids anyway, but if we're not, this can be a good reminder.

And if you'd like to tie it all together with the holiday, save a few special pieces of leftover Halloween candy to enjoy together at your event.

Cash it in at a participating dentist's office. Let your child choose how to spend the money.

According to USA Today, more than 3000 dentists across the United States are paying $1 per pound of candy. Is one near you on the list? I don't know about you, but I'd happily trade a pound of faux peanuts for some cold hard cash. So would my child.

No matter what you choose to do with your leftover Halloween candy, have fun with it.

It's all temporary. It's their booty so it's best if they get to decide what to do with it. And you might just find that the sweetest treat is a fun new tradition with your child.

We've all known people who've made goals at the beginning of a new year, but what about New Year's resolutions for parenting, specifically? Should we be making them? If so, what might they look like?

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First, some science. Do New Year's Resolutions even work according to doctors who've studied people's habits? According to this video, they absolutely do---when they're done right. And they're more likely to work when we make them at the beginning of the new year! Interesting, isn't it?

With that out of the way, let's move forward.

Indeed, it's a bit unconventional to have parenting goals as New Year's resolutions. According to GoSkills.com, some of the most common New Year's resolutions are these:

Those are all well and good, but I wonder about the specifics of spending more time with family and friends. For those of us with kids, what should that look like, exactly?

If you use the SMART goals model, it means goals should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. Although people often use this model for business, it's absolutely possible to use it at home, too, for parenting goals. The more specific we are, the better (although goals relating to emotions can go either way since they address different needs).

A question to consider when you think about your resolutions: What is the main goal of parenting?

What is your purpose as Mom or Dad? Do you want to raise a baby with respect, and help that baby learn social, emotional, and academic skills as he or she moves through childhood? What is discipline to you---and how can you practice what you preach? What will help your child grow into a happy and healthy adult? Is there anything you can do now to foster a lifelong and positive relationship? Are your parenting goals about yourself as a parent or about your child?

All of these questions can prompt ideas for your parenting goals.

What are some effective New Year's resolutions for parenting?

Here, some parenting writers we know share resolutions they've made to "up" their family game. I love how they all approach parenting goals from different angles, but they all have one theme in common: connection.

Sarah from Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting's New Year's resolution:

new year's resolution parenting goalsI'm striving to compartmentalize more. Last year, I snuck in work whenever I could while raising and homeschooling my child. That often left me feeling like I was rarely fully with her or fully working. So, I'm dedicating specific time each day to working. When I'm done, I can walk away knowing it had my full attention and I don't need to worry about my to-do list when I'm with my child. She'll get more of Mama back this way and I'll be much more engaged with her.

Valerie from 2plustwins has this to offer:

"My resolution...is to be a well balanced mom. As I welcome my twins into the world, I resolve myself to do everything I can to provide a positive, safe environment for them. This includes taking care of my own physical and mental wellbeing, prioritizing my marriage and accepting help from friends and family. Most importantly, this means not beating myself up over small things and realizing that while I may not be a perfect mother, I am good enough."

The Reluctant Cowgirl, Miranda, says this about her parenting goals:

"Setting New Year's resolutions or intentions are super important for our growth as parents. When we set goals or intentions for the new year, a couple amazing things happen. One we stop and reflect on the past year, the positive AND the negative, and we can learn from our past parenting. And two, setting goals going forward helps us to be more intentional in our parenting and family time. This past year, I set a few family goals. I worked on getting us to sit down at the table for dinner more often. And I helped one of my 'creative' kids on building tidying habits. Neither did I do perfectly, but setting the goals put me closer to where I want to be as a parent!"

Maria from Little Family on the Big Lake offered this:

"One of the things I found when becoming a parent is that all my time and energy tends to be devoted to caring for my child, myself or the house. This has left little time for maintaining the friendships in my life. So this year my New Year's Resolution is to send my nearest and
dearest birthday cards on their birthday. I can't spend as much time with them as I used to but I still want them to know that I care about them and I am thinking of them."

And finally, Crystal from Simply Full of Delight suggested this for her New Year's resolution for parenting:

"...I think if I were to change anything about this past year, it would be to be more intentional about teaching my children about God.  We go to church regularly and pray at meals, but I want to make it a habit of talking to my children about our faith outside of church and start conversations about faith on a regular basis.  I want to do as Deuteronomy 6:6-7 says 'These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.'"

Aren't New Year's resolutions for parenting basically just parenting goals?

Well, yes. They are. You can plan for and make change anytime you want to. There's certainly never a bad time to become a better parent. There are many positive parenting books, parenting educators who offer consultations, positive parenting Facebook groups, and therapists available to help you every step of the way. We're here for you!

We all know parenting isn't always easy. It takes focus and patience daily; it's a job like no other. But how you do as a parent will likely matter more than almost anything else you do in life (and parenting absolutely should be fun more often than it's not). We're all learning; we're safe to seek helpful advice when we need it. Our families need us and we love them dearly. We really want to do our best for them however we can.

Doing our best for them might mean setting big goals, like breaking a screen addiction or another habit that's not serving our families or ourselves well. Or it might mean making small changes, like making a point to call Grandma twice a week instead of just once. No matter your goal (and it's okay to have more than one), remember that you're the one setting it, so you get to decide if it's working for you after you start.

Do give the actions that support your parenting goals some time to stick, however. After all, it takes between 18 and 254 days to form a new habit, and on average 66 days for a new behavior to become automatic (source). Once you allow enough time to try it, it's perfectly fine to tweak whatever you need to based on what's working for your family.

What are your New Year's resolutions or parenting goals? We'd love to hear from you!

We've heard that presents aren't always necessary or beneficial for development. And let's be real---gifts also aren't financially feasible for some families. We've also heard that experience gifts for kids are better than many traditional ones that come in a box, but what are experience gifts, anyway?

As conscious parents, we want to do better for the planet and better for our kids' brains. The gift ideas on this list can help us do both.

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Experience Gifts for Kids

Here are the experience gifts we like best for kids, each with a way to help make them affordable.

Related posts: The Must-Read Letter from Your Elf on the Shelf and A Green Christmas: 8 Tips for Sustainability

What other experiences would kids like?

Science knows it: kids crave time with their parents. Plus, according to Harvard University, experiences are better for children's development. Here's how the brain processes experiences for them.

But what do I put in the box?

This part is easy. You put the tickets in the box; a token representative of what you're doing together. My child still has a Nutcracker ornament that we gave her to symbolize the ballet to which we were going several years ago. Going to the museum? Draw a picture of a dinosaur and put it in the stocking. Music lessons? Give your child a guitar pick. Mini-golfing? Give a golf ball. There's almost always something small you can give as a token preview of what you'll be doing together. As a bonus, it serves as a lovely souvenir afterwards.

So, why not combine experience gifts for kids along with quality time with parents? It's a sure-win combination. After all, Christmas was never supposed to be about the "stuff" anyway, right? There's no better time to connect than at the holidays.

And then carry that connection forward throughout the year.

Much love to you and yours!

I haven't met Dr. Vanessa Lapointe in person (yet), but I can say without hesitation that I'd trust her to watch my child. If you know anything about me, you'll know that I pretty much don't let anyone watch my child. And she's technically a stranger...so this isn't a lighthearted endorsement. Her first book that I read, Discipline without Damage, had me at "hello"---it simply resonated with me on every level. (afflinks) Now that she's added Parenting Right from the Start to our parenting tool kits, we all need to put it on our must-read list for parenting books.

Parenting Right from the Start is one of the closest things I've found to the manual we all wish accompanied our babies when they're born.

It's a game changer for parents who want to do better for their children. Aside from covering a lot of Parenting Right from the Start Dr. Vanessa Lapointe"basics" (among others, sleep, eating, toilet training, and positive discipline), here's what I like about it:

Parenting Right from the Start
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Dr. Lapointe understands different temperaments and how to parent different children differently.

If the book weren't helpful enough already, Dr. Lapointe includes a section about "dandelion children" vs. "orchid children." Anyone with a highly sensitive child might know these terms; they refer to two distinctly different temperaments and their abilities to thrive in different circumstances. This knowledge is near and dear to my heart as a parent raising an orchid (a highly sensitive child). Regardless whether this analogy speaks to you, Dr. Lapointe's expertise about individual differences among children---and the most effective ways to parent them---is unquestionably beneficial.

Personally, one of the things I most appreciate about Parenting Right from the Start is that Dr. Lapointe makes it okay to parent differently from those around us.

She helps us examine our own "wiring" as parents. She helps us understand the beliefs with which we enter into parenthood and might not even realize we have. It's beyond beneficial; it's a therapeutic mindset from which we all can benefit.

One of my own struggles when I was a new mom was feeling isolated in my parenting style. Most of the other moms I knew were raising their kids in a way that just didn't work for my heart. I longed for other like-minded adults to connect with in my parenting journey, often wondering if I was just way off base. Fortunately, I did find my proverbial tribe (and some other great parenting books along the way), but how much nicer it would've been to have Dr. Lapointe's professional expertise in my back pocket from the start! I'd have felt more sure of the approach that I follow with my whole heart and with full confidence, now.

Life presents us with plenty of opportunities to make the world a better place. Parenting Right from the Start helps us do that.

If I were to sum up the book in a sentence, I'd say it's a book about how to foster a lifelong and positive connection with your child. When it comes right down to it, that's what's most important. And that's exactly what this book helps us do in big and little ways.

From a place of connection, our kids feel safe to be who they are; to embrace the goodness that we've imparted to them; and to carry it out into the world beyond our homes. After all, that's a wonderful measure of success as parents, isn't it?

When my daughter was three years old, I didn't think anything about fostering childhood resilience when it came to Halloween. For some reason that's unbeknownst to me, she decided that what people do with Halloween candy is...donate it. Who was I to argue with her thoughtful idea? So, for the past two years, we've gathered up her loot and handed it off to a grateful recipient.

I somehow assumed that this is what she'd want to do with it forever. Yeah, just call me naive and we'll get on with things, shall we? In any case, we started Halloween today with our standard plan to donate her candy. She was completely on board.

So, off we went to our downtown "Safe Halloween" where local businesses open their doors to the kids and their parents for a couple of hours, doling out all the good stuff. Now, what makes the "good stuff" tricky for us is that my kiddo has food allergies, so donating her candy has always eliminated any risk to her safety. The Teal Pumpkin Project helps somewhat, but not everyone knows about it or chooses to participate.

childhood resilience
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When we were done trick-or-treating, however, she crawled into the backseat of my car, opened her big paper bag, and took a quick whiff of the contents of the sugar-filled booty. I glanced back at her after another minute, and although her hands were still on the outside, her head had disappeared almost entirely into the bag. It smelled good. That's when I started to realize that this year might be

childhood resilience
Wonderful book for kids to learn about food allergies

different. She might not want to donate the good smells.

When we got home, she inquired while holding up one of her goodies, "Mommy, can you please read the ingredients to this one?" Suddenly, I realized we were on a very slippery slope. What had been an easy fix to a problem wasn't going to work this year. Since reading The Bugabees (which I love for kids with food allergies), she's learned to ask what's in the food to which she's exposed. (Afflink) That's wonderful.

For better or worse, however, most commercial candies simply aren't options for her health-wise. To compensate for that, we have alternate "safe" treats at our house, usually healthy options. She'd broken off a square of dark chocolate during lunch at home just a few hours earlier as a special treat.

With all that in mind, I read the ingredients. She quickly self-identified that the candy she chose wouldn't work for her. And then she mourned.

I mourned, too, because I want her to experience holidays like so many other kids do. I don't want Halloween to be about resilience.

allergy free candy
A great option for allergy-friendly Halloween candy

Empathizing, I told her, "I saw how much you really wanted that candy. The feelings I'm guessing you have right now are disappointment and sadness. You can tell me if I'm wrong." It helps kids to give names to feelings to help build emotional intelligence. Dr. John Gottman writes about this, along with a lot of other really insightful suggestions, in this book. It's best when children can name the emotions themselves, but that doesn't always work when they're emotionally flooded. She agreed that I'd guessed correctly.

After holding her and telling her I understood (truly, I do), I realized that this would be another teachable moment. I had to wait, of course, until her brain could find logic and reason, as this important book by Drs. Seigel and Bryson so clearly illustrates. One of the lessons I've learned, though, is that she learns best

growth mindset
This book helps parents understand child development and how to best connect "in the moment."

when I give her the space to solve problems for herself--while I fully support her emotionally along the way. This is a life skill she needs.

Knowing the rest of her loot would be similar, I offered, "I wonder what we could do to make the rest of the candy less tempting. Let's think about this." And then I waited, just a bit longer than where I felt comfortable. It's usually in that uncomfortable moment when she suggests something.

"I have an idea, Mommy."

"What is it?"

"Let's make it a science experiment. You grab a bowl and put some hot water in it; I'll put the candy in it and see what happens."

We proceeded to make a warm, gooey, good-smelling experiment while sitting in the middle of our kitchen floor. I hadn't thought of the idea. She had. And when she did, she bought in completely. We marveled at which ones floated or sank, and which ones bubbled (I'm never eating that kind again). She solved the problem in a way that will undoubtedly stay with her much longer than anything I'd have suggested, would have. And I believe she learned something about her own resilience.

Although I don't know if this candy-plan will work again next year, what I do know is this: she's capable of figuring it out. She's strong. I love that she has opportunities to see this.

_______________________________________________________

Additional Allergy-Friendly Halloween Options

Click the images for details!

childhood resilience
Halloween stickers
teal pumpkin
Many colors available -- including teal!
childhood resilience
Who doesn't love glowing jewelry?
childhood resilience
Fun coloring books to give away instead of candy
childhood resilience
Fun pencils
building resilience
Show you're a safe home

Elf on the Shelf is a common way for parents to encourage kids to "be good" before Christmas. The threat is that if kids are "naughty" according to the Elf, there's a risk that presents might not come at Christmastime.

However, as many parents strive for more positive approaches to parenting, they're questioning whether there's a way to continue the Elf tradition they've used in years past---but spin it in a more positive way. As a conscious parenting writer and educator, I applaud that!

What will your kids think if the Elf on the Shelf changes his tune, though? Or goes away entirely?

First, it's fine if he goes away. Every family celebrates differently. If your kids are attached to him, though, or if you want to proactively try a different approach, one possibility is to mark the change by including the Elf in the process!

One fun option is to share a letter from the Elf about what he's doing differently this year. It's a great way to balance a tradition (if it is one for your family) with a new spin that your child is sure to embrace.

Elf on the Shelf
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Elf on the Shelf: A Letter with a Positive Parenting Approach

*

Dear ______,

This is ________, your Elf on the Shelf from last year. Do you remember me? I remember you! I really enjoyed surprising you by showing up in different places around the house every day. It was fun when you found me. You have such a wonderful smile and you smiled at me each time you discovered me.

I want you to know I'll still be around this year. Hooray!

One thing will be different, though. Last year, your Elf on the Shelf checked to see if you were being naughty or nice and reported back to the North Pole every night.

I've realized something since then, though. I know that like all kids, you're always doing the best you can. I appreciate that.

So, I won't be reporting anything back. Just keep being you; keep doing your best. You have a good heart. 

And while you're doing your best to be YOU---because you're good enough exactly as you are---I'll be doing my best to surprise you!

Do you think you'll be able to find me? I'm going to be extra tricky this year!

See you soon.

Love,

Your Elf on the Shelf

peaceful discipline
Buy it now!

You might also like:

8 Great Tips for a Greener Christmas
Family and Holidays: 6 Ways to Find Joy
Top Stocking Stuffers for Kids and Kids at Heart

Many kids have an inherent panic response when Mom or Dad starts counting, "1...2...3..."---the three most fearsome numbers of childhood. Although the consequences differ from household to household, counting is often code for imminent trouble. Peaceful, positive parenting can change that. Rather than counting to three as a threat (suggesting punishment that's rarely effective anyway), counting can be a useful parenting tool for you. Here's how.

When you're upset with your child, silently count to three, just for yourself, while thinking about a special moment in your child's past (or future).

For those brief seconds, recall a tender moment when your little one was a baby. Remember the feeling of those tiny fingers wrapped around yours. Alternatively, imagine your "baby" being older and moving out of your home. Picturing either extreme will automatically ground you and help you remember how fleeting this moment is. Part of positive parenting can include using mindfulness techniques like this one.

count to three
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If your child is asking to do something you'd rather not do, see if you can say "yes" and grant their request for three seconds (or three minutes, or whatever you can manage).

Does that mean you agree to every request or throw your boundaries out the window? Of course not. However, you can reevaluate whether you can say yes more often (you'll find some practical ideas of how to do that here).

Walking past a playground recently on our way somewhere else, my daughter wanted to stop and swing on the swings. We really didn't have time. I could tell by looking at her, though, that it was important to her. So, I said, "Yes, you may swing for three seconds before we keep walking. I'll start counting as soon as you get on the swing, and when I get to three, it'll be time to go." She agreed.

1-2-3 magic counting to three

She shed no tears; she didn't negotiate for more time (aside from my agreeing that it was reasonable for her swing to slow down before she hopped off). Part of her lack of desire to negotiate in situations like this is that she's learned she'll often get a "yes"---even if just a brief one.

These little "yeses" can go so far in supporting connection with your child. Some might argue that their child wouldn't get off the swing so easily, but I wonder if they'd consider the time they'd lose in managing their child's disappointment, and the missed opportunity to connect.

It's easy to say yes more often once you practice, and once you build trust with your child that it's what your answer will often be. The "forbidden fruit" they're seeking will feel less forbidden, and therefore be less of a draw, if they feel you're on their side.

This approach also makes your parenting approach easier for your kids because they learn when "no" really needs to happen. They trust it's not arbitrary.

If a transition from one activity to another is hard (as it often is for kids) and you're triggered because you need to move onto the next task, use your "three" to give them a few moments to adjust to whatever needs to happen next.

In our house when my child was younger, this "counting to three" took the form of "Would you like to go put on your shoes now, or would you like me to hold you while I count to three so you'll have some time to prepare?" It worked amazingly well. It's as if my child really needed that count of three to ready herself for whatever was coming next, even if the task was as mundane (in adult eyes) as brushing teeth or walking to the car.

Three seconds to adjust is often just enough time to connect and make the transition easier for both of you.

"Three" can be a place of peace.

It can be a "yes space" for both of you, child and parent, where you ground yourselves for a better interaction and greater connection. And it can be as easy as 1, 2...well, you know.

____________________________________

Further reading

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