Ice cream for breakfast; impromptu gifts; cookies for lunch; no responsibilities ever; cake for dinner...oops...hold on...that's my wish list, and I'm supposed to be writing about kids.
A lot of people think positive parenting means giving children everything they ask for (i.e., permissive parenting). If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that, I'd be able to buy a crazy-ton of ice cream. That said, and as my child will readily tell you, there are plenty of limits in our house. And sadly, we don't have ice cream for breakfast every day.
Many years ago, I took an executive negotiation class that completely changed my perspective on "no." It's been one of the best parenting tools I've learned.
Who’d have thought executive negotiation tactics would double as positive parenting tools? Before anyone worries that I'm suggesting children should negotiate everything with their parents, I'm not. I strongly believe, however, that the words we use with our children become their inner dialogue as they grow. As a result, I suggest is open respectful dialogue with our kids regardless of their ages.
Our messages and tone stick with them. I see evidence of that in my own child in the ways she matures and processes various situations. The world will give her plenty of no's (heck, it already does), so I choose to teach her optimism and hope as tools for resiliency. And more than that, there's plenty of Internet-searchable evidence that authoritarian ("my way or the highway") parenting causes substantially more harm than good.
Now that that's out of the way, I'm paraphrasing the executive negotiation class I took and translating it to real-life scenarios for raising kids.
Here are the key takeaways:
If you know you're going to a store that has things your child will ask for but you're not planning to buy them today, offer a preemptive alternative. Different from a "negative no," which might sound like this, "We're going to the store now, but you're not getting anything," spin it a different way. Try this: "We're going to the store now. If you see something you like while we're there, remind me to take a picture of it. We'll put it on your list." Helpful hint: Building your child's trust that something is actually going on his list might not happen overnight. When you do buy something for him at a later date, it helps to verbally add something like, "I remembered that time we went shopping and you put it on your list. That's how I knew you'd like it." Reinforce that you've paid attention.
People (big and little) often feel the most defensive when they feel they have no control over a situation. With my child, when it's time to get out of the pool (or off the swings, or whatever), I know better than to spring the news on her and expect immediate compliance. Fair warning helps everyone involved. That said, for a child who can't tell time, "We're leaving in five minutes" would be meaningless, but in some situations, it can be helpful for older kids. If your child wants to keep doing what he's doing but your answer is no, reduce your child's resistance by trying this: "It's almost time to go. You pick a number (or give a range you can manage, especially if your child knows lots of numbers). I'll count to that number while you finish what you're doing, and then we'll go. What number would you like?" For what seemed like forever, the highest number my child knew was 31. Counting to her "biggest number" helped her feel like we were staying for the maximum amount of time in her universe of numbers, and the glimmer in her eyes as I counted proved how she loved having that influence on our day.
Sometimes, there really isn't a way to accommodate your child's request when she wants something. That's fine. Give her peace of mind by telling her when her request (or a version thereof) will happen, instead. Example: she wants chocolate chips on her French toast. Try this: "Chocolate chips really are delicious! Although I'm not putting them on your breakfast this morning, how about if we plan to make that pumpkin chocolate chip bread you like this weekend?" Again, the part you own is making good on the alternative you've suggested. Build trust that you'll follow through. If she wants to go somewhere you can't go right now, intentionally let her watch you put in on the calendar for a day you can go. There's a world of difference for a child between hearing you say, "Sure, another time," which he likely translates as "Maybe never," and "Yes, let's put it on the calendar together. Come look with me for our first available day." Moreover, apply this to little things while you're building trust in this area. Nothing is too small when it's important to your child.
Sometimes, when I'm tired or impatient, I hear myself bark, "No, stop that!" What I fail to teach in those moments, though, is why it's important for my child to change course. Unless it's an urgent safety issue, find a positive way to redirect your child. Little and big kids need this. A better option for a little kid might be, for example, "That's the floor. Let's find some paper for you to color on, instead." For a bigger kid, try, "Hmmm, it's getting close to dinner time, so let's stay inside now and make a plan to go back out tomorrow." I hear myself say, "Let's make a plan..." a lot when the timing or approach my child is using isn't workable for me. Choose your words wisely.
Note that in all of these examples, there's no unreasonable negotiating, no cajoling, and no bribing: we’re shopping, but not buying what you want today; you need to stop doing what you're doing; we're not having chocolate chips today.
BUT, if you work to find a “yes” that you can offer, you might find that: "Yes, we can do that tomorrow."and"We're all done with it for today, but let's make a plan to do it again in the morning!"and"Let's wave at the playground as we walk past it today and tell it we'll see it on Thursday!"and"Yes, the next time we're at the store, you can pick some out."
When all else fails, in executive negotiation terms, find your BANTA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement). BANTA means that even if you can't reach agreement with your child, you can still find something to agree on, even if it's agreeing that it's hard to not get what he wants. Sometimes, no just needs to be no.
Offer empathy while your child emotionally processes the limit. It's normal for her to get upset sometimes, and you don't need to "fix" it; just help her understand that you're on her side (even when you disagree). Feel her perspective; internalize it. Sit quietly with her while she expresses her disappointment, just listening and understanding, without justifying or defending your position. Be loving in your "no." Stay with her. Hear her. As always, examine whether you can say "yes," and say it as often as possible. Sometimes, I catch myself saying no because, gulp, I have the Parental Power to Say No, and I don't even know why I've said it. When I think about it objectively, though, I realize how much more often I can say "yes." And do you know what I've learned? Many things, actually—and among them, that chocolate chips are sometimes an excellent alternative to syrup on French toast.
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When I had my daughter, everyone told me how quickly the time would pass—that I should “cherish every moment,” whatever that meant. Indeed, she’s now on the brink of turning 5. Although some moments have felt like they’d last forever—usually the less-than-pleasant ones—I can only assume that some sort of time warp has propelled us forward unnaturally quickly through the years of her life.What I didn’t expect, however, is that in my mind, I’m still sitting on the rooftop patio of that place downtown that has the amazing view. I’m not paying much attention to the view, though, because I’m listening to my friend across the table tell a hilarious story about a date he went on last night. It’s warm outside, I’m in a sundress, and it’s years before I’d have the amazing child who I love more than life itself. What’s true, though, is that while life is whizzing by in the whirlwind that is parenting, a part of me is still sitting on that rooftop with him; and in a myriad of other places with other friends I hold dear. Friends I love. Friends I will always love. I’ve simply paused those moments, ready to return to them whenever the universe boomerangs me back there in my mind or otherwise. Although she’s years away from rooftop patios, I wish my daughter friendships like these. I never thought much about my kid’s friendships as they relate to how I parent her today, yet I can see how the importance of authentic connection and respect are already influencing her social choices. Just like I want them to be for her someday, my friendships are much of what ground me; what connect me; what help me rediscover myself when I need to—no matter how infrequently I see these non-familial objects of my affection. Just like I cherish every moment with my sweet girl, I also cherish those experiences to which I can return in a mental snapshot. Time really can stand still in the very best ways.
I’d like to think my mental pace most Decembers has been the serene speed of “O Holy Night,” calm and angelic, rendering me capable of mid-afternoon waltzes around the Christmas tree with my young daughter in my arms. More often than not, though, my brain has buzzed around in a chaotic “Feliz Navidad”-in-warp-speed mode. Less angelic by far, it put me more at risk of tripping over an extension cord and knocking out the lights while toppling the tree, thereby unintentionally teaching my kid a naughty word or two. Thefrenzied mode was neither enjoyable nor festive for either of us; so let me share a few tips that have made our holidays brighter. And brighter, they are!
At the end of the proverbial day, our ornaments have been rearranged several times, but only by little hands. Some of the people we love will get cards from our family; even fewer will get handwritten notes on them. And my gymnast-conductor-decorator child feels happy and connected, and more like she’s the brightest light of all in our house, and less like the caboose she’d be if I were dragging her around to all the “stuff.” And you know what? We actually did waltz around the Christmas tree today, and it may have been the best thing I’ve ever done. May your December be merry and bright!
Back on the farm when Ma was delivering babies while milking the cow and shucking the corn (we've always been multi-taskers), she certainly wasn't reading up on what the type of birth the (then-nonexistent) Internet was telling her she should have. Instead, she relied on what worked for others for thousands upon thousands of years before her: trusting the innate wisdom of her body and following its lead. Although I don't know if you have a cow handy, much less whether you milk it, I do know there was a lot of wisdom to Ma's natural approach. When the time comes, you can trust your body, too.
What happens, though, when your body just isn't ready to have your baby, and (shuck that corn!), it's time, already? When labor just isn't coming despite the calendar saying it's time, your body is giving all the signs that baby is ready, and your doctor is getting "uncomfortable" waiting any longer (oh, the irony), there are natural ways to induce labor if you'd prefer to avoid being medically induced.
Here are a few of the popular, time-tested and natural ways that "Ma's" around the world have tried to induce labor. I tried these methods, too, when I was closing in on eight (8!) days past my due date. These might help your body andyour baby agree that YES, it's time to deliver!
After those didn't work for me (but have for many mommies!), I tried more desperate measures:
STILL a no-go for me. What the what? Although those things may have helped to some degree because I did manage to have contractions for two fun-filled weeks, here's what ultimately did work:
Finally, my healthy and happy baby came, and so commenced my journey into gentle parenting. Needless to say, always consult your healthcare provider for medical guidance (I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on T.V.). When the time is right, however, know that your baby will, indeed, come out. Let your baby “cook” as long as you safely can, and then your body will know just what to do. It was made for this!
A couple of weeks ago, my four-year-old child was looking admiringly at the cover of a Cinderella coloring book. She's had it for half her life. Until now, she'd always been more interested in the scenes overall than in the individual princesses. And she's certainly never addressed anything about her body image. This time, however, she matter-of-factly announced, "Mommy, this girl is the most beautiful girl in the world. I'm not that beautiful."
I paused, with a sinking feeling in my gut, to absorb the news that the inevitable had happened. My child was comparing her looks to others'--even if the "other" was Cinderella--and finding hers inferior. Her tone was one of factual observation more than one of self-deprecation. However, I knew it was the precursor to what women everywhere are up against: the pressure to look whatever way society thinks is beautiful. People judge us on our appearances alone; people who don’t even know us, much less love us.
This mama's wish--and the wish of nearly every other mama I know--is that our children would live in a world that rises above that mentality. With my heart in my stomach, I took a breath before responding. Doing my best to summon everything I've studied about respectful parenting as it relates to body image, I neutrally responded, "Baby girl, that's interesting. Tell me more."
She proceeded to tell me everything she found lovely about Cinderella. When she finished, I acknowledged her closing statement with "Yes, I like the color of her dress, too." I continued, "Do you know what I really like, that you can’t see in any picture? In fact, I think it's what makes someone truly beautiful, more than anything else could."
"What is that, Mommy?"
"Kindness. Some people say it's nice to look a certain way on the outside, but kindness is the greatest kind of beauty. It has nothing to do with what someone looks like. Unlike appearance, which changes over time, kindness can last someone's entire life."
"Oh."
I could tell she was processing thoughtfully. We lingered on the topic for only a few moments more. I was careful to avoid giving the topic of external body image too much attention, lest it become a priority in her mind. As a mom, positive body image is one of the issues that I really need to own and model, and that I really want to get right for my child. It's a tough one for many of us.
After that, weeks passed without another mention of beauty. Yesterday, however, she approached me, holding the brooch of one of her dress-up gowns. On the brooch was a picture of Cinderella. I wondered what was coming.
My heart swelled with joy. Indeed, physical beauty and body image will be on my daughter's radar if she's anything like most of the women in generations before her. And she may or may not grow up looking anything like a princess, but that's not important to me.
Hard as it had been not to tell her how beautiful I think she is, I knew the importance of acknowledging what she said without negating it.
As a woman and particularly as a mother, this has been a tough lesson to learn. I have, however, learned that when I actively listen, be it about princesses or anything that's important to her, it helps foster our connection and build her confidence that she can trust me with her innermost thoughts.
So, I listened to her and added to her understanding, helping her unwrap her feelings. I wanted the opportunity to make a positive impression on her value system. The most effective way to do that is by listening to her with an open mind and guiding her appropriately. Loving and intentional guidance works so much better than telling her she's wrong.
We really can influence children’s thought processes and body image respectfully while still supporting their inner princesses—or superheroes—whoever they may be. We can help them absorb what really matters. And that, my friends, is beautiful.
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