Although I'd always been too uncomfortable to do it, the moment I let go of my anxiety about breastfeeding in public happened shortly after I moved to a new city. I was taking a long walk with my child who was then a bit past her first birthday. We got pretty far from home and were walking along a busy street. All of a sudden, she wanted to nurse. Maybe she was tired and seeking comfort; or she was hungry; or her new teeth were coming in and she wanted natural pain relief. I didn't know. I panicked; there was nowhere private and we were too far from anywhere I felt "comfortable." No restaurants. No options.
Most of my mom friends in my old city, if they'd nursed their babies at all past the newborn stage, had weaned long before a year. Still, intellectually, I knew that the World Health Organization recommends nursing at least two years for any mom who can (even in developed countries like the U.S.)---and longer if both mom and baby want to continue. There's plenty of evidence for health and developmental benefits for the child.
Public or not, it soon became obvious that it had to happen. So, I sat down on a bench along the sidewalk, doing my very best to be discreet. Suddenly, a man who looked to be about 85 years old started walking our direction. Thinking how many people prefer to cover up breastfeeding, I rearranged my daughter's large sunhat to cover us both as much as possible. He walked past us and didn't seem to see us. I breathed a sigh of relief. A few moments later, though, he turned back to us and then (gasp!) walked back our way. Ever so humbly and respectfully, he said, "You know, I have no idea why people get so upset about mothers nursing their children. You're just doing the most natural thing in the world." Then he turned around and kept walking away.
From that moment on, it didn't matter what anyone might say if they saw us breastfeeding in public. I let his words become my inner voice, not only for nurturing my child as I had been during the moment he saw us, but also for gentle parenting overall.
One of the toughest concerns many of us manage is the lack of support we feel for the way we're raising our children---particularly if we opt for public breastfeeding. Still, feeding our babies or comforting them in one of the most natural ways imaginable does raise some eyebrows. Surrounded by naysayers, we often not only fear, but also hear, that we're doing it wrong:
“You're coddling her."
"You'll make him a mama's boy."
"She doesn't need it. Give her real food."
Babies are babies. Feeding them, or nursing an older toddler or child, is your business. If you're in a position to educate someone who's acting judgmental, one of my best tips is to cite the experts and share the law: "Public breastfeeding is legal. It holds numerous health benefits not only for my child, but also for me---including being tied to lower rates of cancer. Additionally, there was a major study that positively correlated the length of breastfeeding to intelligence, time spent in education, and earning potential. I'd be happy to tell you more if you're interested."
Breastfeed your baby with confidence---and with plenty of evidence to back you up.
Nursing in public doesn't have to be uncomfortable. You have every right to feed your baby when he or she is hungry, newborn or beyond. Some mothers are comfortable nursing anywhere; breastfeeding for them is as natural as caring for their children in any other way. Eventually, I became one of those mothers. But I certainly didn't start there with my daughter.
Before you worry about whether feeding your baby in public is legal, know that it's allowed in all 50 states in the U.S. Further, breastfeeding in public is also legal for women in many countries around the world. Please know your rights and check local laws before you travel and, out of respect for different cultures, observe the norms there. You may want to email yourself a copy of the local law if anyone at your destination questions you.
Babies crave nursing for many reasons: nourishment, comfort, health (they often nurse more when fighting an illness because of the antibodies it provides), and otherwise. I subscribe to the idea that every need is valid and that even if it's "just" for comfort, that's just as valid as any physical need.
All that said, there are plenty of women who don't choose breastfeeding. Formula works for them, and I respect that. Still, just as many wanted to choose breastfeeding, but for medical or other reasons, couldn't. Moms everywhere just do the best they can. What matters most is that we support each other along our unique parenting journeys.
Follow us on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, and Mix. Learn more about us here.
One of the most common concerns I hear from parents who are attempting gentle parenting isn't whether they're doing this, that, or the other thing right. Although we all have questions about how to manage certain aspects of gentle parenting, it's not usually the daily how-to's that make us consider throwing in the towel. One of the toughest concerns many of us manage, as gentle parents, is the lack of support we feel for the way we're raising our children. Surrounded by naysayers, we often not only fear, but also hear, that we're doing it wrong: "My parents spanked me and I turned out fine.""Kids need to toughen up.”“You're coddling her.""You'll make him a mama's boy.""She'll never be able to handle school when she's older if you keep treating her this way." And the list goes on (and on, and on...). With every kindness we impart to our children, there seems to be someone--perhaps even a very well meaning someone who has the best of intentions--who wishes you would just do things differently. And it's hard. It's hard when the stranger at the grocery store comments negatively about your parenting. It's hard when a well-meaning friend "helpfully" suggests you try something that just doesn't sit right with you. It's hard when your parents suggest you're doing it wrong, and wow, it's really hard if your own partner dismisses or flat-out opposes your gentle parenting style. Believe me, I get it. (I was just looking for apples, not advice.)
I'm here to tell you that the words you hear others say don't need to become the ones you repeat inside your head.
You've done your research, and you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that positive discipline is more beneficial to your kids' long-term mental health than punitive or authoritarian methods. You're trusting your gut. You're watching your child grow and thrive under the forces of goodness and kindness. Yet, it's still tempting to listen to those who plant a seed of doubt in your mind, bringing up every insecurity you've ever had about raising your child in the way that feels right to you. My suggestion to you is to take a deep breath and let go of your worry. It's not serving you. If you can, find at least one supporter--be it someone you know in person, or even just an online gentle parenting group (yep, this one counts). The moment I let go of my anxiety about gentle parenting happened shortly after I moved to a new city. I was taking a long walk with my child, who was then 18 months old. We got pretty far from home and were walking along a busy street. All of a sudden, she wanted to nurse. I panicked, since there was nowhere private and we were too far from anywhere I felt "comfortable." Most of my friends in my old city, if they'd nursed at all, had weaned long before a year, and although I knew the World Health Organization recommends nursing at least two years for mamas who can (even in developed countries like the U.S.), I still worried that my child was "too old," much less to nurse publicly. That said, it soon became obvious that it had to happen, so down I sat on a bench along the sidewalk, doing my very best to be discreet. Suddenly, a man who looked to be about 85 years old started walking our direction. I rearranged my daughter's large sunhat to cover us both as much as possible, thinking he didn't see us as he passed. A few moments later, though, he turned back to us and then (gasp!) walked back our way. Ever so humbly and respectfully, he said, "You know, I have no idea why people get so upset about mothers nursing their children. You're just doing the most natural thing in the world." Then he turned around and kept walking away. From that moment on, it didn't matter what the strangers at the grocery store said, or anyone else for that matter. I let his words become my inner voice, not only for nurturing my child as I had been in the moment he saw us, but also for gentle parenting overall. After all, gentle parenting comes in many forms.
Treating children with love and respect is, indeed, the most natural thing in the world. Why wouldn't it be?
Find your advocate if you need one. Be your own advocate if you have no other, and know that with or without support, many others have persevered and continued to gently raise loving, happy children. And most importantly, know that by choosing gentle parenting, you're being your child's advocate and positively affecting the generations to come. It's okay to normalize kindness. The world needs more of it, and you're doing your part. You're doing it right.